I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
