I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
