Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
