So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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