it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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