I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
