You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
