They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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