mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
