I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
