I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
