My sheets look like a crime scene.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
