You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
