I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You're like the curious george of whores
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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