Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
