It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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