and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
