Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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