You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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