Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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