drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
