either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
