They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
