Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
