she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
