you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
