Do you still have your period?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
