i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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