We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
