Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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