I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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