I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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