don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
