Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize