i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
