walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize