the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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