You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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