That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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