i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
