is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
When did angry sex become our thing?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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