Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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