he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
