She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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