i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We got so high we made milksteak
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
