so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
