FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
