I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
