How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
