I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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