I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
