i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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