just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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