someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
