Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
