just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
