My balls are so social today.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
