Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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