Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize